The Coon: Resurrection
by Cartmanbrah
Summary: The Coon is back. Only this time, more brutal and violent than ever. Six months after Liane's death Eric Cartman finds solace on the hunt for South Park worst criminals. But between the carnage, the anger and the sorow, can he find his way back to sanity? Colaboration with cccyrus
1. Whatever doesn't kill you

**A few years earlier:**

I smell the cheese, the oregano and the marinara coming from the kitchen. It feels so comforting and safe in my nose… It feels like home. I walk into it and I see here. God, I can still remember the smell of her hair when she hugged me. It's funny how much you remember and how much you forget. She must have made me lasagna for lunch over a hundred fucking times… but I remember this one time better than all others. I turned off my xbox and went into the kitchen. I must have been, like, what… fourteen? Around that age. All I know is that I still spoke like a fucking idiot and the first words that came out of my mouth were

"Mehm! Are you making lasagna!?" in the whiniest tone possible. How the hell anyone used to put up with that is beyond me

"Of course dear!" She answered with a small giggle and fixing her hair. The way she used to close her eyes a bit when she smiled… always gets me.

"How long before it's done?" I ask but more in a 'feed me, I'm hungry' kind of way than in a loving son kind of way

"It'll be faster if you help me" She said, messing my hair. It might sound cliché, but the way I remember it, she must have messed my hair for a few hours. Like there was slow-mo and some stupid romance song going on

"Fahne, mehm, I'll help yah" I answer pouting and start mixing the sauce. She giggles. If only I knew…

 **Present day:**

People usually don't realize what they've got in their hands until they lose it. Take this Mexican drug dealer I'm hanging by the foot right now for instance… I guess he won't realize how much he loves having sex until I shoot him in the dick. He's taking too long to wake up… I'll help him out…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" That's the sound he makes when I knifed him in the hand. That woke him up pretty good. Maybe he just kept screaming because he realized he was hanging upside down on the top of a building… who knows?

"Drugs cargo coming to South Park. Address. NOW!" I say to him. My voice modulator is working just fine. I sound a bit like Kenny when he used to wear the costume

"Whoa, whoa, easy dude! I'm not gonna die for those pricks! I have a family. It's an abandoned storage house near Starks Pond. Can't miss it. The truck is red and the guys are wearing green balaclavas" That went easier than expected. '

"Now, can I go?" He asks still nervous

"I'll let you live"

"Thanks man… hahahahahaha" he starts to laugh as if he's out of trouble. Poor bastard. I take out my gun, shoot him in the crotch and leave the place

"AAAAAAAAAH! FUCK YOU!" He screams from afar

I arrive at the storage house he spoke of. Man, this place is screaming "Drug storage". It's only missing a fucking sign. I take my time to analyze the place and mark a few locations. The truck arives

The night was silent and it was raining but I guess that's nothing new for the small town I live in. I'm on top of a storage building. Before 2 men in t shirts, one with glasses and a hat, the other with all jean outfit except for the shirt. They both had guns. They showed up opening the storage unit and there were another 3 minutes before the truck backed in there were 4 men in the truck 2 in front, then 2 in the back. When the truck stopped the two men in front came out. One with a tuxedo and the other one in black clothes to lift the door open to let the others out who also had all black on. I see that two of the men have guns. They met up with the other men waiting for them by the storage unit so I moved in closer so I could listen in.

"So you guys made sure nobody was following u?" One of the men in t-shirts started talking first

"Yep we made all precautions unlike those other guys. That bastard in a cape won't be stopping this shipment tonight. And if he shows up he has to go through my men first" the driver said pointing to the two men with guns. The man in glasses nodded

"Well hopefully he can't get through them he has only killed 25 of your men in the past ten shipments "he said sarcastically making his friend laugh

The man from the truck didn't laugh "well give us the money so we can get this done with this night is creeping me out"

The two men laughed " hahaha ok ok here it is" pulling out a plastic garbage bag filled with what looked like 50 grand " 60 thousand dollars. Your hands better get and get this shit in the storage unit"

The men from the truck mumbled something then turned around and that was the moment I jumped down throwing my knifes at all the lights putting us in complete darkness. I blended in with the darkness as my whole suit was a skin tight black armor. But I can still see them. Clear as day

I said to them "not tonight boys. This night you die like your friends" as always

"what the fuck " The guy in glasses says

"God damit man why can u leave us al-"one of the men from the truck was saying but he couldn't finish because I threw one my daggers in his throat causing him to fall down and bleed out

I just turned in time to see the two men by the storage unit were walking away quickly so I threw my knifes at them hitting their spinal cords causing them to be paralyzed. They cried out in pain and I loved it. Then I hear a gunshot and see the men with the guns from the truck have started shooting at me but I knew they couldn't see me. So while they were firing wildly at nothing I sneaked up behind one of them slitting his throat. I just love to hear them falling and gargling since they can't really talk or scream. This one accidently shot the man in the tux. I hear him scream but I can't relish in the sound right now. I'm dealing with the last man from the truck. He has stopped shooting and has turned to run out to the street I let him get ten feet just for fun before I take out my pistol and shoot him in the back of the head and, as always, it comes out right between his eyes

I took a moment to relish in my kills for only a moment forgetting I had two left at the storage unit. So I turn and walk towards the storage units I see that one has crawled out to a car that I just noticed was there and one that is crawling over the pavement. Both of them in beautiful pain I go to the one of the pavement. First I just make a quick kill out of him and shoot him in the heart but not before making him turn to see me and hear his final words

"Please don't kill me! I'll give you anything "

I smiled behind my mask I said "ok" then I shot him between the eyes

"You just did "

The last guy is crawling to get away from me. He's injured leg is bleeding a lot and I can tell it hurts like a bitch. I walk slowly to him just to see him squirm…

"Please… I-I-I'll surrender to the police, I'll never do anything like that again I-I swear…" he says as I get closer

"Too late" I draw my arm blade.

The second I'm about to drive the blade through his head, a hook grabs my arm and a second one grabs the guy. We're both pulled away from each other

And that's when she appears kicking his head

"You know, I'm starting to think you work for these guys" I tell the lady. I have to admit she is must be gorgeous behind the mask. I can only see her mouth, though.

"Come on, Coony, you know I'm just not as prone to bloodshed as you are" She says to me in a mocking tone. She's wearing a tight black outfit with pink arms and legs. Her mask has also a shade of pink. I can tell the whole thing is made of something strong, bulletproof. But how this is so goddamn flexible is beyond me.

"Well, the guys I catch don't go back to the street"

"And the guys I catch don't end up in the same statistics as the people I claim to protect!" I shoot the guy's head. Now she made me lose my patience.

She gasps at the sound of the gun. I smirk. She's still just a girl in a costume. Good intentions and a soft heart.

"Go back to your fairy tale world. Leave the real world to me"

"I just want to help. Look, maybe we disagree on how to handle these guys, but let's get some stuff done. South Park has enough problems without the two of us at each other's throats" She says. I agree, she has potential when it comes to skill. It's determination she lacks

"If you want to help me, start now. Pile up this cocaine over there. Away from the trees"

"The cocaine in the truck?" She asks

"The entire storage" I clarify what I meant

"It's gonna take all night"

"It gonna be worth it when those bastards find it"

We started pilling up the cocaine about 23:00. We ended the process about 3:00 A.M.

"Okay…. The cocaine is in a pile. Why?" She asks. I pull up a bottle of scotch I've found earlier in the fridge of the drug storage. I take a sip and pass it to her. She looks at me like she is saying 'are you fucking kidding me?'

"Oh, what the hell" she takes her own sip of the scotch. It's cheap, and it does not taste that great. That's why I have no problem whatsoever spilling it all over the pile of cocaine and throwing a lit match on the damn thing. She looks at me surprised

"You do know the drug lords will be coming for you, right? I mean, you just burnt half a billion dollars of their cash here" She says

"Six hundred and twenty seven million to be exact. And I intend to burn a little more" I walk away leaving the girl that calls herself "The Pink Avenger" behind with a million questions in her head. I'll answer one of them for you

My name is Eric Cartman. My mother was murdered right before my eyes. I'm the Coon

I thought being completely alone would kill me. I was wrong.

As a crazy man once said, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you stranger.


	2. Paper thin

**Author's note:** This chapter might sound boring and unrelated to the premise of the story, but it's actually an important character development chapter. Next chapter there will be more Coon and Pink Avenger kicking ass

 **One year earlier:**

It was a week after Liane's funeral. Eric… I mean, Cartman has been to school but it's just not him. It's not the boy that fought me over breast cancer all those years ago. It's not the guy that's always ready to challenge me and call me out. I know, his mother just passed away, but can't a girl miss her… can I say "friend"? Is it wrong to say enemy? Does "ex" count since we kinda fooled around that one time? I don't even know what Eric… Er… I mean Cartman really is to me, so what am I doing on his doorstep? Will he want to see me? Does he want to be alone? And why the fuck am I overthinking this so much?! His mother just died, Testaburger, he's gonna need everyone by his side. Keep it together. For Eric's sake. And you can try to stop calling him "Eric" AFTER you are done comforting the guy. If I can muster the strength to come here, I can muster the strength to ring this doorbell

And that's exactly what I do. I really expected him to come out and say "The fuck do you want, Testabitcher?" but not a single noise comes from inside the house but the doorbell. Not a footstep, not a key, nothing

I do it again. If that makes any sense, the house sounded even more silent than the last time.

Somehow I just know he is inside. Don't ask me how, I just kinda… feel him there. I know, it's weird.

"Cartman!" I scream to the house. This time, it makes a noise… I don't know what it is, it just sounds like something. I try the door. To my surprise, it's unlocked.

Over the years, I've seen him in every state possible. Happy, angry, cross-dressing, murderous, in shameful acts of self-humiliation… but if there is one thing I've never wanted to see in my entire life is what I saw when I entered his house.

Hi was still dressed from school earlier this morning. Just sitting on the floor staring at nowhere… It was about 6 pm so it was pretty dark inside. He was looking at something, but his eyes…

Eric's eyes were always with something on them. Even in defeat, they had a fire inside that no one could deny. His stare now didn't have that.

"Hey Cartman" I say to him. No answer. "I came here to check on you" He keeps staring at an open door. Curiosity gets the better of me and I move closer to him to see what he is starring at. It was a cooking apron hanging on the kitchen wall. The apron was dirty, spots of tomato sauce and oregano all over it. But between the dirt in the apron, words can be read and they say "World's greatest mom".

"Look, I know you're hurting right now. And I know you always use us as a verbal punching bag. And you know what?" I move his chin so his eyes can meet mine "I get it. You feel angry and you take it out on the world…"

His eyes… they make me wanna cry. They're not the eyes of the 'go hard or go home' Eric Cartman I know and… feel something for. His eyes look dead

"And I know this has got to be the real low point of your life, so I'll give you this one. Go ahead: call me every name in the book. Call me Testabitcher, Testicleburger, Dumb Hippie Hoe, Stupid bimpo, tree hugging slut… I dare you to come up with a new name just to insult me" No reaction

"Come on, you gotta have some new ideas in there. Those names are old, you must have something new to call me by now" I take my hand off his chin and his head drops

"Please…" I say with a voice that resembles too much a weep "It just kills to see you like this, ok? I know you feel lost without your mom but… But…" When have I ever been at loss for words? "BUT GODDAMN IT, I MISS YOU!" Fuck, Wendy, don't say that!

"I know we're never on the same page, but I… I have a lot of fun fighting you! God, I want my Cartman back! I want you back!" I hug him and I start to cry "Please, come back…"

It feels like a few hours before I say anything but the next thing I say is this

"Please, Eric… I want you back…"

And then he does something I already gave up on. He hugs me back.

I feel his tears falling on my neck and I feel glad to be there for him. It feels like an eternity before he says anything at all. We part the hug, he looks into my eyes and says this

"I'm going away for a while"

The words seem to cut me like a knife

"Where are you going?" I wipe my tears.

"I don't know" He says "I also don't know when I'll be coming back. I just need to get away from this city. I need some air. I need to think"

I was sad to hear that, but I know he would never heal if he didn't do it

"Okay. Just promise you'll comeback" I say. I never thought I would say anything like this to Eric Cartman.

"I will. But you also have to promise me one thing" He says to me

"What?"

"You will tell NO ONE that you know I'm gone… I need to vanish. I just know the guys will find me if they know I'm not actually missing"

I sigh in defeat… this is gonna be hard. "When are you going?"

"As soon as I pack" He gets up, and walks around for a while.

"Thanks for that, Wendy. I… Really needed that" He says. We stare at each other for a few seconds

"I guess I better get going. You might wanna pack alone" I say as I turn to the door.

"I guess" he says as he walks me to there

I feel sad I'm not gonna see him for a while but I know it's for the best. At least when he comes back, we'll have our Eric back

"One more thing" he says as we get to the door

"What?" I ask puzzled

He pulls up my chin and locks my lips with his into a long and loving kiss. It felt a lot different than any other of the times we fooled around. It had some real sentiment to it this time.

"See you someday, Wendisaster" He says, attending to my earlier request.

 **Present day:**

It has been a whole year since he has been gone and everyone misses him. Not a single person in town has been the same without him. The whole town seems almost boring without Cartman here. My school days are really boring. It's my nights as the Pink Avenger that get me through. Though last night's cocaine pile carrying exercise did take its toll on my back.

I wake up 7:00 in the morning, which is an incredible feat considering I've gone to bed at 3:30 and spent most of my night in what can only be described as "vigorous work out". My mom fixes me some breakfast (with Tweak's "special recipe coffee" may I add. Else I'd be lying dead on the school bus), I get dressed and run for the bus.

Of all the people I've ever known in my life, no one can be as cheery in the mornings as Barbara "Bebe" Stevens. AKA my best friend and confidant. And even she doesn't know that I'm a super hero. But anyway, no one has the ability that she has to look like a freaking super model at 8:00 am and be just as perky.

That's why whenever I get into the bus I hear an unmistakable scream that sounds almost always like "WEEEENDY!"

I walk up to her and she pats the seat to her side.

"Saved you a seat, girl" she says to me

"I noticed" I say with a sleepy voice

"What's the matter? Rough night?" She asks

"Couldn't get much sleep, that's all" I was also making drug dealers cry and stopping another vigilante from making them die, but that's beyond the point

"You can sleep in history class, honey" She says to me

"You're such a good influence…" I say in a sarcastic tone.

"Hey, it's not like Mr. Jones makes us learn anything! Anyway… check, the new guy, in the front row! AAAAAAAAAAH!" She moves her entire body gushing over the new dude. I have to admit, the guy is BEYOND hot, but I'm really not in the mood for dating right now. Haven't been for a while. The guy looks at Bebe and catches my eyes and smirks a little… there is something about that smirk that's really familiar but I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Oooooh, he's got an eye on you!" She teases me.

"Come on, Bebe, you know I'm not in the mood for dating" I tell her

"Still? Wait, is still that massive crush, no scratch that, CRASH, you had on Cartman?" she gives me a questioning look.

"What? I've never had a crush on Cartman, we just hooked on at a party!" I say to her but even I can tell I don't sound too convincing.

"Girl, you're still head over heels over a guy that's either hanging out on the Caribbean with a funny disguise or on the bottom of Stark's pond. That's not healthy sweetie" She says to me. Hell, I know she misses him too to some degree, but she's just looking out for me.

"It's not that, Be…" I say to her as we get out of the bus. "It's just that I don't feel like it. That's all" And the fact that anyone dating me would have to put up with me disappearing every night.

"Keep telling yourself that. Let's go to class" We walk to class and we see everyone that has been here from our childhood just hanging out. Going to the classes. The girls seem to be all over the new guy, gushing over him like a bunch of drooling baboons.

It's just another day for the South Park students. Stan stops me on my tracks.

"Hey Wendy" He says in a friendly tone.

"Hi Stan!" I mimic his tone too. We've been broken up for years and right now we just have a normal, friendly relationship. Hell, I introduced him to his girlfriend

"I know we're late for class, I just wanted to tell you that me and the boys are gonna do a little memorial at Cartman's house this weekend. Do you wanna go?" Every month since he's been gone, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butter go to Eric's house, clean up the gutter on the ceiling, cut the grass, vacuum the place… Kenny had a spare key. They do it so, in Kenny's words, "the fatass won't live up to the reputation and crash on a pig sty when he comes back". It's a nice gesture to show they care. I've done it with them a couple of times. Everyone helps them one month or another. That's what the "Cartman memorial" is. They also say a few words about his mother.

I sigh… It's really sad to see how much the boys miss him. I guess they didn't even know how much they would miss him.

"Okay, Stan. I'll help you guys out" I answer

"Thanks, Wendy."

We walk into class and it just seems like another day for us. Mr. Jones walks to the board and starts speaking

"Well, kids, there's a new student that has been transferred from Nebraska. He's gonna spend the rest of the year with all of us" He points to the hot guy Bebe was gushing about earlier.

"Let's all welcome the new student. Class, this is Eric Cartman" The entire class freezes as they hear these words. I find myself unable to speak, unable to move… I stand there like the greatest of all idiots looking at him. That's why that smile was so familiar.

He looks a lot different. He is a far cry from the fatass he used to be, he has muscles… his hair is very tidy, unlike the mess it used to be the last I saw him. His face was skinny but now that I was looking straight at him I just knew… it was him.

"Come on, Mr. Cartman, get up and present yourself to the class." The teacher said, oblivious to the commotion

"Hey, you guys. I'm Eric Cartman, I'm 17 years old and I guess you guys know the rest about me" he says with weird smile. There is a weird silence in the class until a person brakes it. And that person has no restraint whatsoever doing what he is about to do.

A boy in a wheelchair moves close to the 'newcomer' screaming "TIMMEH!" to the top of his lungs and hugging the former fat boy.

Not half a minute later, his four best friends imitated the gesture.

"We missed you, dude" Kyle said.

"Alright, that's enough boys, let's get back to class" Mr. Jones said.

Everybody sat down. I've had two classes with him before lunch and he haunted me like a ghost.

Not that he stared at me or anything, it's just his presence. I knew he was gonna come back, so how come he still feels like a ghost to me? It's like he is not real. But I know it's him, how can it not be? He walks the same, his voice is the same, his lips, his arms… okay, Wendy, focus. You can gush about the incredible hot version of Cartman later.

Speaking of which, who traded his "cushion for the pushin" for one hell of a six pack? The guy must have locked himself in a gym the entire year to get a body like this. I mean, I knew he was probably gonna lose some weight in the meantime but that's just absurd. Has he been eating properly?

For God's sake, Testaburger, get a fucking grip! I mentally slap myself in the face.

Yes, that's it, girl, breathe in, breathe out. Now, stop freaking out and go talk to the Phantom of the Fatass.

I walk into the cafeteria determined to talk to Cartman but all the boys (I mean ALL the boys) and some overly curious girls (which I somehow urge to choke right now) beat me to the punch. So I've decided to eavesdrop a bit.

"Dude, where the fuck have you been?" I hear Stan asking him with mild laugh. I can tell he is still trying to get over the 'seen my presumed-dead friend' thing

"I've decided to spend some time with my family in Nebraska. You know, clear my head" He says to with a mild smile. Don't ask me how but I can tell he is… lying.

"I get it dude, but why didn't you tell us?" Stan says it

"Yeah, we've been worried sick. We've searched the entire town AND Denver for you" Kyle says

"I'm sorry, you guys, but I really needed some peace and quiet. But now I'm back" He says to them "Besides, you guys know I would come back. I wouldn't leave my Jew without a proper concentration camp to keep him company" He smiles humorously. Everybody laughs with him

"I never thought I'd see the day I would miss being called a stinking Jew" Kyle said patting his back

"I give it a week before you loathe the sound of the word Jew again" Kenny added. Everyone laughed

"W-well, A—at l-l-least y-y-your s-s-s-s-safe and sound, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-behh…. B-b-b-b-buddy." Jimmy said patting Cartman's back.

The bell rung and they all went walking back to class.

"Hey, Cartman" I hear Kenny say.

"What?" he answers.

"Let's play some videogames tonight. The five of us, just like old times"

"Yeah, dude, let's do it" He smiles to Kenny. Everyone goes to class while he just takes his bag and looks away. It takes him a minute before he says anything

"Eavesdropping is very rude, Testaburger" And then he turns to me. I really don't know what to say, and I can't really say anything. All I can do is stand there and look at him.

"I missed you" He says as he walks to me, looks around to see if there is no one else around and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips. It's just a peck, really but it's enough for me to feel the way I felt back when he kissed me that day.

"I've missed you too." I say to him with a smile "What's with all the secrecy about kissing me?" I ask

"I figured 'coming back from the dead' is enough drama for a week without everyone seeing me locking lips with a mortal enemy" I have to laugh at that. I kiss him this time, taking a little longer than I've wanted too.

"So how long have you been back?" I ask him

"One month" He says to me

"One month!? Why didn't you talk to anyone?" I nearly scream.

"You know, being legally dead is a royal pain in the ass. I had to go through hell and back just to make sure no one bought my house. Not to mention bank accounts, my status as an emancipated minor, get myself a job…"

"So, you're gonna live alone?" I ask. I just wish I could say that with less pity in my voice. I really don't want him all alone in that house.

"It's what I can do for now" He says with a faint smile. A smile that reminds me way too much of his eyes back when he left. But I'll have to take baby steps. I still wanna know where he really was this whole year and how did he get this six pack. I just smile back and say "I'm sure you'll figure it out"

I give him a slight squeeze on the shoulders and he flinches in pain. That's weird… I have a back pain too, but's that's because I spent the night…

No…

Is Cartman… the Coon?

"What's wrong with your back?" I asked him

"The mattresses in my house were too old and they were rotten. I still didn't have time to buy new ones. Slept on the floor for the past week" He laughs a bit. I guess that makes sense… I must be becoming a little paranoid. I kissed him before we went to separate classes

And that's how me and Eric Cartman, my arch nemesis from primary and middle school, started a secret relationship. I guess it's true what they say: the line between love and hate is paper thin


	3. A Sabbatical in Siberia

**Butters' house**

When I first decided to become a super-hero, it was just for the fun of it. I didn't even know what to do or where would I go for a start. Of course, years of training Karate and being a cheerleader did help in the physical part, but that was not even close to what it takes.

Then one day, I found something interesting in Butters' backpack.

It fell from it as he was setting up his things to go home and I picked it up, not really knowing what it was. It was small, round, shaped like the top of a cupcake. But what really caught my attention was the word CHAOS written upon it very distinctively. Just like the notorious "Professor Chaos" that tormented South Park for so long.

Of course, Butters told me he retired from the life of crime and decided to use the tech he had for something else. He just didn't know what, at the time. And from the ashes of Professor Chaos' tech and my training, the Pink Avenger was born.

Which is exactly why I was in his backyard. I approached the distinct mark near a small dog house and sung what probably was the most ridiculous password of all time

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, let's get together, I know what we can do, loo loo"

A circle on the ground opened as I sunk into the floor.

"Hiya, Wendy" He said from his seat, not looking up from the computer.

"Hey Butters" I greeted him back in a monotone.

The whole place was a "Bat cave" kind of deal. He had loads of computers, gadgets, weapons, you name it. The computer he was currently sitting in was a huge screen controlling security cameras for all over South Park. The little blonde boy just sat there, drinking what I assumed was tea and typed some stuff into the programming. The Fortress of Chaos was at full function today.

"What are you doing?" I asked him with interest.

"Helping out the Coon with a set-up" he said as I sighed. I know he used to be one of the bad guys, but Butters shouldn't be helping a guy draw a bloodbath. When the Coon fought Professor Chaos, he didn't kill anyone! Sure, the minions might go to the hospital missing a few bones, but they got there alive. Something changed in him

"You know who he is, right?" I asked him

"Yes, I do" he answered with a snicker.

"Then tell me! I wanna help this guy… He wasn't a murderer back then…" I say, turning his chair so he could face me. I swear, Butters' 'supper genius, too good to look at you' persona sometimes gets on my fucking nerves!

He joined his hands like a prayer pose and started beating them together like a cliché villain from a cartoon and then he smiled. A smile that I've gotten way too familiar with over the past six months. It's the smile of a Butters who's having too much fun with a situation too let it go. The smile he gives when he's not gonna help me at all just because it amuses him…

To be fair, he's never got me in real danger. Just a few minor annoyances.

"Why would I spoil the surprise?" he said through the smile. I sighed, released his chair, and walked towards my costume and the gadgets so I could get ready. I just know this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass. REALL HARD!

"So, you and Eric, huh?" he asked, turning back to the monitors. DID HE SEE THAT?

I dropped the grapple gun I was setting up as he said this. Eric… I mean, Cartman, GODAMN IT!

Uh, screw it. Eric made sure everyone left the cafeteria before he tried anything. I just tried to keep my cool as I turned to Butters and said "Uh… I don't know what you're talking about."

"Considering how well you two manipulate other people, you guys are horrible liars when it comes to your love lives" He said, passing me some of his tea. "I saw you when I came back for my backpack. Even if I didn't, he lives next door to me! I saw the little smooch before he left the town"

I relaxed. Butters was really something else these days. He could one moment be a sweet, innocent guy and in the next, he would sound like… well, a reformed super villain. No wonder the guy is such a hit with the ladies nowadays.

"So, you knew he was gonna come back" I asked him.

"Of course! I'm just glad he is feeling better. Have you been to his house? It's sure neato!" And we're back to sweet innocent Butters.

"Coon to Chaos, you there?" the deep, distorted voice of the Coon echoed through The Fortress. They must have been communicating through the same voice distortion the Coon uses. Maybe they use it so they can't identify any of them.

"Chaos to Coon, copy" Butters said through the microphone. Although I was in the room, I could hear that his voice was also coming out distorted to the Coon. "Package deployed?" Butters asked him

"Deployed and fully operational. Cars on sight" The Coon answered him. Where was he?

"Prepare for strike, you copy? Eyes on target…. Now" Butters said as he locked the big screen on something.

Wait a minute… I recognize this warehouse! And this burned pile of drugs too! My back still hasn't forgotten…

He's at the drug depot we raided yesterday! What the hell was he doing there? Does he have a death wish? All I know is I saw three cars coming into the storage unit. About seven people got out of the car and they were very well dressed. One of them looked familiar though. He was tall and serious looking. Kinda looked like Christopher Walken, with his greying hairs and the suit and… oh my God, now I know where I've seen this man: on Butters' files… the drug lord, Harold Carson.

The last time a guy tried to sell on his territory, he skinned the man alive and threw him at his family's doorstep. Only God knows what's he's gonna do to the guys who burned his entire supply!

Carson gets out of the car and kicks the pile of coke ash and start's shouting orders at his henchmen. Wow, he must be really pissed off.

As I start to fear for my personal safety, I see a note on the pile. Great, leave it to that crazy bastard to leave a note to the drug lord…

The Coon really went out of his way to put us both in trouble this time. I really hope he has something up his sleeve.

"Do you know what the note says?" Butters asks me with a funny face. I just shake my head.

"It says: 'you guys have poor taste in scotch. Sincerely, the Coon'" He says to me. Yes, he signed the fucking note too. He might as well put Butters' address and the password to the Fortress while he's at it.

While I was busy being pissed at his recklessness, I saw a machine come out of the pile of ash. In a split second, it fired blades precisely targeted at the necks of everyone there, but Carson. I could only see Carson's fear and disgust as every last one of his henchmen choked on their own blood, gasping for air.

I could not hear the sound they were making, but I could imagine it. It was horrifying just to watch all that suffering. I know those guys probably earned that and more, but still… It was just too cruel! How can someone be so insensitive to violence like him?

Carson was understandably horrified. He pulled out a gun from his coat, but I could tell he was shaking like a terminal case of Parkinson's. I could see him screaming, but the camera didn't have a mic. I couldn't hear the words. He started walking backwards and shooting in all directions until his gun ran out of bullets. That's when he hit something he didn't see. His back hit the Coon…

He tried to punch him, the Coon blocked it and drove one of his arm blades through Carson's face. Carson's lifeless body hit the floor, as the blood came out of what used to be his nose.

"And that's how you finish a drug cartel" I hear the Coon's distorted voice through the computer

"Way to go, dude. Coming back?" Butters asked him.

"No, dude. Gonna go patrolling and then go straight home. Coon out" The Coon said finally

"Roger. Chaos out" Butters answered as he shut off the communication channel.

I was just horrified at both of them… how could Butter's be okay with this? How could anyone be okay with this? I need to find out who is the Coon. I just know he is a good guy… What could possibly have twisted him this bad? What could possibly have made him become this?

"Wendy? Jewelry store robbery at Shi Tpa Town. Go!" Butters interrupts my train of thought as I finish getting ready for a night of crime fighting. Still, I can't help put remember the blood coming out of their throats…

 **Last year. Siberia:**

(Alright, guys. Try to imagine this like some training montage while Immigrant Song from Led Zeppelin plays. Cartman's POV)

I don't remember going to Siberia. Or coming back from it. Hell, I don't even know how the fuck did I know I was in Siberia.

All I remember is the pain…

The cold…

The hunger…

And my training.

For my first week there I didn't even have a coat. I ran around Siberia shirtless. I don't know how the fuck did I survive that. If I had to guess, I would say they experimented on me. Some Captain America bullshit or something like that, because I should have died by day one. Yet, one week without a coat, shirtless, eating really poorly, running and exercising like a motherfucker and there I was: alive.

The second week, a guy showed up in my 'bedroom'. He was tall, bald, with a black beard already hinting some grey. I'd say the guy the guy was forty, forty five. He mostly screamed at me the whole time. But he did give me a shirt. Also, a knife and pointed me in the direction of a polar bear. And said the following words (mind you, he was speaking in Russian and I understood him. When the fuck did I learn Russian?)

"If you want a coat, there is a polar bear in that cave. Here's a knife"

And there I went. Into a cave, with a knife to kill a polar bear.

The bear wasn't as tough to kill as I thought he would be. I basically just plunged my knife into him. But when I walked out of the cave with the body, the man was gone. And it was only then that I noticed the bear claw marks in my torso. I was gushing with blood, and I had to carry that fucking bear back to my 'bedroom'. I say 'bedroom' because 'cold as fuck cell, with no fucking bed whatsoever' seems too bad and 'bedroom' helps me make fun of it.

I killed the bear in the morning. I reached the compound by dinner.

The compound was a big place, like a cross between a prison and a military base. All I know is that it was really cold. Specially my 'bedroom'. When I got there, they took the bear away from me, and the next day I had a coat.

The guy that trained me never told me his name, so to this day I refer to him as 'The Cliché'. All I know is that every day in the morning he would ask me something like "do you want a blanket?" and point me in the direction of a fucking wild animal.

After four weeks I could heat myself up in the 'bedroom' pretty decently. But the training kept going.

They still made me run shirtless through Siberia. I had to work out lifting blocks of ice. I had to brake blocks of ice with my fists and kicks for combat training.

Every day, the Cliché would walk into my room, drag my ass to the woods, give me a knife and tell me to hunt. After a couple of weeks, I started using a bow. Every night, he would go up against me in a hand-to-hand fight and kick my ass.

My bones would break, I would cough out blood… and the next day I would do it all over again.

Run shirtless through the snow

Lift blocks of ice

Hunt down some poor animal

Fight the Cliché and get my ass kicked.

Go to sleep eating only God knows what they gave me in that ratio.

Not to mention the gun training, the stealth training, the sword training, the vehicle training…

After five months in that hell, they started giving me assignments. I was supposed to go somewhere and kill someone, raid a base, steal some blueprints…

I became a killing machine. But that's not the worst part.

The worst is that I liked it. If I have to be honest, I would never get over my mother's death sulking somewhere in fucking Nebraska. In a twisted way, I need this. Every time I would snap their necks, shoot them, stab them… It didn't hurt so much

As I got used to the violence, I got used to the pain. It's hard to focus on personal trauma with a 6ft tall Russian dude shouting in your ear to get the fuck up and go back to punching the blocks of ice.

All I could see at night before sleep was my mother's face. And sometimes, Wendy's. In a weird way, I wanted to go back but I also wanted to stay. I craved the next assignment like I craved a new toy when I was a kid. The sword on my back, the gun on my holster and people on my list. That's all I needed.

I climbed their walls, I shot their heads and I smashed their skulls… It felt great.

Even the painful training felt good from time to time. Hell, I started liking the Cliché. The guy sometimes snuck some vodka into my 'bedroom' and we would drink together. Me with bones broken and bleeding, mind you.

My last assignment was at a base not far from the compound. I had to kill a coronel, general, captain…. Whoever the fuck was in charge, I don't know. The point is: I knew the guy's face and where to find him.

And it was my masterpiece. I got there by snowmobile, sword on my back, pistol on my holster, sniper rifle on the bike. Shot a few guards on the entrance, no one heard me. Snuck in by the first guard tower. Made my way past a few barracks, slicing up a few of the soldiers on the way and hiding their bodies. I also planted timed explosives on the fuel tanks for my getaway.

When I got to the headquarters, I saw the guy from a vent I crawled into. The room was packed to the brim with dudes. It was time for fun!

I lobed a smoke grenade on the room, got into it, sliced the first too guys, shot the other two and took the general as my hostage. After that, there were three guys in the place apart from me and my target. They started telling me to release him, and they kept saying that for a few minutes (until the timed explosives would go off).

BOOOM!

The explosives outside went off, giving me enough time to shoot the three guys stunned guys and slice the general in half with the sword.

Outside, it was hell on earth. Everybody was running all around, trying to tend to their hurt friends. It was really a piece of cake to get back to the snowmobile and back to the compound.

All I remember after that is that they told me to go to the infirmary, gave me a sedative and when I woke up, I was in my basement back in South Park. The moment I woke, I knew I couldn't live without the violence anymore. I had to have my share of blood. My Sabbatical in Siberia saw to that. And I would extract it from every single criminal in South Park.

They would pay for what they did to my mom. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

The funny thing is, I do remember a voice during the infirmary sessions. A person talking about my body and my procedures and that person spoke in English. I don't remember much, but I do remember these three words

"Shut up, Mimsy!"

Then again, I did hallucinate my mom, Wendy and my friends more often than I care to admit, so what the fuck do I know?


End file.
